January 27th, 2019

how
does the heart
still somehow
continue its breaking

all this time later
there are still cracks that
relinquish their light
up and out
into the dark sky

will I ever know how deep they go?
chasms
to the core of me, deeper
that shudder open
when I find
a reminder

some days it feels more like
there are lines cast
down into the rivers
that run as deep as rivers can run

and the hooks are snagged
and dragging
forever

I remind myself
that it is okay
to allow the tears to come.
they pushpull at the edges,
but I don’t need to fight off that pain
though
it threatened to
obliterate me
drown me in my own love,
black and torpid,
washed down dirty alleyways and pooled in dim caves
I rained in the all the wrong places

some days it feels more like this
a steady ache
at the base of my throat
and its veins so strong pulse
still bleeding after all this time
is it still open
or is it phantom pain
reminding me that healing is not linear
even as I say the words
reminding me that this language
does not resolve -
speaking protective spells
to try
and weather the storms
as they hit
over
and over

is it phantom pain
reminding me that you will always be a spectre
in my periphery
I am trying
to release
​this hauntology